It’s been 13 years, and the union has both blessed and tormented me.
Blessed me with children, long vacations, financial security, opportunities to learn and travel, engaging relationships, pride, and purpose.
And tormented me with feelings of resentment, anger, frustration, anxiety, and inadequacy.
If it sucks your soul, you know you’re doing it right.
(Plus shingles–on my FACE. And problems with word recall. I was so troubled by the inability to find words such as “push,” “carpenter,” and “cabinet” that I saw a neurologist who, after an MRI and extensive testing by a neuropsychologist, declared that my cognitive dysfunction was due to stress.)
I desperately WANT the marriage to work. Do you have any idea how much energy and passion I’ve invested? Not to mention that if I can persist for 17 more years, my golden years will be exquisite.
But while it used to fill me up to brimming, now it sucks me dry. (“If it sucks your soul, you know you’re doing it right,” a friend in similar shoes once told me.) Those moments of gratification and pleasure that were abundant in the early days have been outplayed by flashes of disappointment, listlessness, and finally, indifference.
Have I considered divorce? You bet I have, and I have rejected the idea, too, because I always regarded myself one of those “till death do us part”-ers. Furthermore, who else would want someone my age with such “limited experience”? And to be honest, I’m just not certain I have the moxie to start over. So much has changed since the last time I was “on the market.”
I have 186 days to sort it all out. Stay tuned.